I have issues trusting friends and it is affecting my life [Long Post]

2021.09.26 05:27 Celesterra07 I have issues trusting friends and it is affecting my life [Long Post]

Hi, I wanted to post this online and possibly get some of it off my chest. Mind you, it isn't anything god awfully horrible, but they are small events that built up over my years of growing up. I am currently 19, female, going to college and not in the best mental state at the current time due to what I will go over in the post and other issues. This will be a long post, so I appreciate your time reading it, if you do. Thanks in advance.

All throughout my life, I have been constantly abandoned by friend groups I've been in, technically replaced by them, abused (mainly verbal and emotional) by them, or just have outright left them due to being sort of toxic. I never had any friends in my class growing up, only people younger and a few older, though no one bullied me (probably because I retaliated by pouring my juice box in their desks in first grade) either. As a female, I have never been cat called at either, even though I'm not that bad looking; I consider myself just above average.

When I say throughout my life, I even include my kindergarten years, where I had a toxic friend even then. Not that I remember much, but my mom has told me stories.

After kindergarten, I moved to a small town from the place I was born and where I would go through elementary school and high school there. I became friends with some of the guys in my class in my first year, as well as a girl in a grade lower than me. There were only a few others, though moved away fairly early.

I would play video games with the guys and at recesses until around fourth grade. When I would play with them, they constantly played games where I was barely involved, like kickball, where I was constantly the pitcher and never really got to kick the ball. Once fourth grade hit, they all stopped hanging out with me, since I was a girl and it wasn't cool to hang out with girls because it would look like we were dating, yuck!

The friend who was girl luckily remained my friend for much longer, up until I was in grade eight. Around the end of the relationship, she clearly didn't want to be my friend any more and wanted to be friends with my younger sister instead, but didn't have the guts to tell me. Whenever we played together, me, her, and my sister, we would play pretend games where my sister and her were on a side and me on the other. That really hurt me, since I had already been dealing with another fallout that had happened with a different friend I acquired called S and my parents going through a divorce (which was really well handled with, though it still hurt).

I met S the summer I was going from grade five to six. She seemed really nice, however she was rather extroverted, while I was introverted and needed time to recharge. S was full of energy and liked to hang out with me every chance she could. Eventually I was getting tired of hanging out constantly and started arguing with her a lot. It got so bad to the point we began going between not being friends and being friends. I got tired of that too and told her we were no longer friends around the time grade seven was ending. Unfortunately, once that happened, she ended up coming to me with a friend I had made while I was hanging out with S, T.
S forced T to chose between me and her, which she chose S over me. On my last day of school, S rode up to me on her bike with T following and her words haunt me to this day. "This is proof why you don't have friends," referring to T. She even was trying to prevent me from leaving the school via my bike and I biked as fast as I could to get away from her just so I could go home.
By the time grade nine rolled around I had eventually became friends with T again and acquired a total of six other friends until I got to grade ten. This friend was the misfit group in my school, but otherwise, a nice group of people. Aside from one in particular, F.
F was a good friend at first and we got along fine. Until I made a big mistake. I was swimming with her one time and got a bit close to her physically and told her I loved her. At that time, I was young and stupid, but I thought my feelings were genuine. F eventually became clingy (physically and emotionally) and obsessive to the point I told her to back off a few times, telling her my boundaries. It didn't help that I told her not to do romantic things at school (since there were some homophobes at our school) and we didn't tell our parents about it either, fearing they would judge us. However, she didn't really respect them and things quickly got out of hand, especially when I became friends with T's older brother, A.
A, was in grade twelve and is actually still my friend to this day. When things were going bad with F, I started to hang out with A a lot. He was an escape from all the drama for me, and was an interesting person to me. However, F quickly grew jealous, which caused us to argue more. Eventually, she got so nasty to the point she actually slapped my in public (no one was around though), sending my glasses flying. I did break up with her, but since we had the same friend group, I tried to maintain the relationship, but just as friends. That didn't go over well. One day, I snapped at her online, telling her to kill herself. I had tried everything I could think of to deal with her, but got so frustrated to the point I said those awful things.
That summer, she attempted to commit suicide (I believe was an attention grab, since she did it while her mom was home). I lost my job (her grandparents were my employers, and were really good people), and my mom cracked the hammer on me and prevented my from having any contact with any of my friends, giving F and her mother to basically spread toxic info about me to F and my mutual friends. I couldn't even defend myself and the damage was done. I fell into a deep depression and really wanted to die. I was already plagued by loneliness and not happy with the state of things and that messed me up.
The people who helped me during that time was my dad and my friend A. My dad, behind my mom's back, let me go to visit my friend A and A actually came to my house after he finished work occasionally. At some point though, even though he said he wasn't interested in dating, I fell for him, because he was the only person who seemed to care about me and he helped me through the toughest point of my life. I never told him, fearing it would cause him to abandon me as a friend, and I unfortunately still have those feelings for him now, only because he was my 'saviour'.
However, A had graduated that year, so I ended up having to say goodbye to him at the end of the summer, since he moved away to go and live his life as an adult. We both didn't like phoning or texting constantly and prefered face to face contact, so I genuinely thought that was going to be the end of our friendship. Until he came back in the winter, broke and no one helping when it was -30 outside.
With A gone, and no way to contact him (my phone got taken away at some point), I returned to school, with a protection order from F. I tried to keep hanging out with my six friends without F, but the damage was done. So that grade eleven year, I cut them out of my lives, especially since they increasingly stopped hanging out with me and were taking advantage of having a car and license. They would get me to give them rides, but not invite me to hang out with them after school. No one would ever text me either to do so, even when I had my phone.
A is doing much better now, and through him, I found another group of friends. Only two guys really, other than A, but they all treat me much better than any of the girl friends I had. I am even dating one of those guys, J and he is the sweetest person I ever had met. He has been super patient and open with me, even though I have admitted my feelings for A and told him I was dating him so I could forget my feelings for A. Recently, J told me that he loved me and I was crushed when he said it because I hated myself for not being able to say it back. Thankfully, that got my brain to finally consider changing my romantic feelings for A into more of a platonic love for A.
I have wanted to tell A for years about my feelings, but my nagging social anxiety won't let me tell him, even though I know pretty much what he will say and reject those feelings. Which I am ok with, since I respect him a lot as my friends. But the fear of losing him as a friend still plagues my mind. Even though J and A have admitted that I will never lose A as a friend. I have attempted to tell A, telling him we needed to talk in private, but I couldn't do it over the many hours we were alone. Every time I breathed in deeply to just go for it, it gave my brain time to think and stop me.
When we headed to bed for the night, was so mad at myself for being able to admit my feelings to A. If I didn't have those experiences with those past 'friends', I feel like I might have been able to finally rest those thoughts for good and let me live in a bit more peace.
Me and J have been dating for almost six months now, and I am trying to move on from my past of relationships, but I am struggling to do so. Every now and then, I wonder if all those friendships failed because of me and I also can't seem to make more friends. I am also still dependent on my friends to the point I would call it an addiction. I crave deep and meaningful friendships, but I can't bring myself to leave the house or wander about after I am done my college classes for the day in order to find any possible friends. I also want to tell J that I love him, but I don't even now how I truly feel or if I can, with how hard of a time I have been having admitting romantic feelings to anyone.
I am sorry for the long post, but I needed to rant about it. I don't expect you to try and help me in the comments, but if you do try to help, I really do appreciate it. Thanks again for reading and sorry for making you read this lengthy backstory to get to the end.
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2021.09.26 05:27 AussieBelgian 2 Mesprit raids.

Got 2 Mesprit raids. Happy to invite max people. Will be doing both. Aiming to raid at xx.45
Please be online and comment below if you would like to join. Will remove my friendcode once I receive enough friend requests.
If you only want to be invited to one, please delete me after you catch the first one and have received your friendship xp.
My player name is TravelerJones and my code is 5064 5649 6298
submitted by AussieBelgian to PokemonGoRaids [link] [comments]


2021.09.26 05:27 Old_Credit_4423 [Xbox] [Price Check] TW Zombas

Willing to trade 4k credits for TW Zombas.
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2021.09.26 05:27 FraughtQuill How do I install programs that aren't in the package manager?

Yes, nooby question. But how do I install and run programs that aren't in the package manager? For example, I installed a program called 4Coder and it installs as a .zip. Inside it there is a little file titled program. But I click it and it doesn't run.
But there are also other games I want. Like tetr.io. How do I install stuff without a package manager?
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2021.09.26 05:27 Vengeful_cheese Let him explore

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2021.09.26 05:27 Castelloll Help out a fellow skinner in the Friend Callback event :3


Processing img h76gb2qznrp71...
My code is: 2w99wx2

I know I'm essentially begging here but I couldn't help it, for those that have alt accounts I hope you guys could help me with this :)
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2021.09.26 05:27 ykcir23 Ring World: Reactor Segment?

Is there any specific way to when you build a Ring World for it to have reactor segments? Or is it all just random luck of the draw?
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2021.09.26 05:27 Blaze0303 Nothing crazy, just changed up the lighting and I’m pretty pleased with it.

Nothing crazy, just changed up the lighting and I’m pretty pleased with it. submitted by Blaze0303 to pcmasterrace [link] [comments]


2021.09.26 05:27 BBayz- Quick 1v5 "retake" on bind with raze in Immo !

Quick 1v5 submitted by BBayz- to VALORANT [link] [comments]


2021.09.26 05:27 zealsupport Gucci Tie 456520] - $59 : https://www.zealreplica.pl/index.php?main_page=advanced_search_result&search_in_description=1&keyword=Gucci+Tie+456520

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2021.09.26 05:27 fitittome Shared Calendar & Android mail notifications.

So, we have had a Visionary family account for over a year now. However, we've been unable to migrate our shared Google Calendar because only one person can edit calendar with Proton. So I've been considering my options. Tutanota have managed to slickly implement this along with proper Android notifications (without GMS dependency) in both calendar and mail. I consider both these 'features' pretty essential, although I was aware of these shortcomings when I took out the subscription. As a family/small business we've made do and have been patient but I'm really beginning to question Proton's development priorities.
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2021.09.26 05:27 onetoothedwalrus If you could bring about one change in the present day education system, what would it be?

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2021.09.26 05:27 jjwf3 Looking for Uxie raids! 8291 0826 3511

Looking for Uxie raids! 8291 0826 3511 -- I can invite to Azelf when I get some!
Thank you :-)
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2021.09.26 05:27 RunsWithForeSkin WHAT A PERFORMANCE SO FAR!! 🔥 had hip surgery last week. Waddled, crutched and wheel-chaired my ass here. Had to say one last goodbye to the Big A for the season . Have to say I made a great decision coming to tonight’s game. GO HALOS . Hope everyone is enjoying the game.

WHAT A PERFORMANCE SO FAR!! 🔥 had hip surgery last week. Waddled, crutched and wheel-chaired my ass here. Had to say one last goodbye to the Big A for the season . Have to say I made a great decision coming to tonight’s game. GO HALOS . Hope everyone is enjoying the game. submitted by RunsWithForeSkin to angelsbaseball [link] [comments]


2021.09.26 05:27 jorwyn My "laptop" - Antares North Star

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2021.09.26 05:27 basedporcupine0 Not sure why some people are acting like Biden won the election

It hasn't been officially resolved still. Litigations are still ongoing and lawsuits are in motion .
Unless you're from the future or psychic nobody knows who won the election
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2021.09.26 05:27 MacKenzieGore The San Diego Padres have been eliminated from playoff contention

What an embarrassing season
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2021.09.26 05:27 KillerCow12 Papercraft VK 72.01 K! Cardstock and Elmer's glue only! Took about 20 hours!

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2021.09.26 05:27 BrittM554 What is something you don't regret?

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2021.09.26 05:27 GoldAndBlackRule The one and only time in history a bogan is helpful.... WTF are you doing, Australia? Going full on PoM now?

The one and only time in history a bogan is helpful.... WTF are you doing, Australia? Going full on PoM now? submitted by GoldAndBlackRule to GoldandBlack [link] [comments]


2021.09.26 05:27 ShorthairHunter Replacing engine on Scag

My neighbor gave me a 48” scag with a Kohler Command Pro 15, only thing is he ran the thing without oil and blew the engine (there’s a sizable hole in the side). I’ve been trying to figure out replacing the engine on it, so I could have a decent size mower for at home. I was looking for a Kohler Command Pro 15 so it would be an easy swap, but it seems that isn’t something available around me.
Has anyone swapped engines on a Scag before? What engine did you use? There are some engines from riding mowers available locally
submitted by ShorthairHunter to smallengines [link] [comments]


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